🦎 Ozan

I just got fired

As the title says, I just got fired.

Like, literally, two hours ago. I've had the time to calmly cook some lunch and clean a bit of the house while I reflect on all the ramifications this event is bringing about.

I mean, I knew something was off and that it was going to happen at some point because I have been really struggling to concentrate and work for a long time already, all that sprinkled with anxiety and panic attacks.

What bothers me is that I've given my all to my previous job for the last three years where I single-handedly developed a full end-to-end application: backend, frontend, testing, ci/cd, and UX design. And now, I haven't been able to perform to the level I know I am very capable of. I don't like to give the impression of being a bad professional, because I know very well I am not one.

Still, my love & care for coding has been slowly waning over time and I knew this was a timebomb. I need to find a job outside programming, even if it means later discovering I want to go back to coding, but the split is very much needed.

During the daily standup, my boss pointed out he wanted to have a conversation with me afterwards. It didn't raise any flags as it often happens that we discuss a technical issue that doesn't pertain to the meeting.

He then explained the situation and how my performance hadn't been what he'd expected lately and wanted to interrupt our contract. Worked out some rough edges on how we'll deal with the takeover and that was that.

I neither hold any grudge nor reproach him for anything. Given my current situation if I were in his position I would've done the same. One must care for their business.

There is a whirlwind of feelings that are going through me right now. I feel a hint of relief as if now the doors for change are opening before me and I have all the time in the day to move toward finding a job that better suits me. I am equally angry, mostly at myself, for not being able to "push through", "be strong" and "be a man".

In a different line, I am outright terrified. I have a mortgage to pay, I have a broken bathroom that needs fixing, I have some furniture that I am paying in installments, and we're in the month to advance tax money. I will be in dire straits soon, I need a new job.

Another reason for being scared is that despite the fact that mental health is fashionable today and it is more present in work settings, the reality is that being fired is still perceived as a sign of weakness and lack of reliability. Having been an entrepreneur the last three years before I took this job I know is something that is taken into account independently of what you play to the gallery.

I however refuse to let this define and take me down. It needs some mental rewiring for myself but I will frame it as an opportunity to explore a different path forward where I can evolve into a technical role that doesn't need coding, or barely. It will be hard, but it will be.

Moving forward, I am optimistic. Despite the fact that we are in a turbulent market and there have been layoffs left and right in the tech space, there are a number of amazing opportunities and interesting roles to take. Some of the possibilities that have crossed my mind are the following:

If I had enough time and money I might even think about pursuing an MBA, but that option is unfortunately off the table.

I close this article on a high note. It won't be the end of the world and I will land on my two feet, of that I'm certain 🏋🏻‍♂️.